I'm having a crappy day. Ugh. Chris has been traveling in the US and we are back to our familiar communication disconnect that we had back in Boston when he traveled to Asia for extended periods. I feel so alone when this happens. I heard a quote the other day, even though I was having a really good day, it resonated with me.... I may no longer be broken, but I still have cracks. I thought to myself... how true, while I've gained weight and can (usually) hold a conversation without the urge to cry, I recognize that there are cracks beneath the surface that are still really raw. I think we all have cracks, and for me, I think I became broken when I ignored them. On good days, I welcome opportunities to throw myself out there... knowing that I'm throwing the real me, cracks and all. On bad days, the cracks are all too fresh to me and it is really hard to let myself be vulnerable, in both new friendships and old relationships, and I find myself wanting to go back to self protectionist mode of smiling, shaking my head in a agreement, and pretending. I know it is not healthy but as an occasional coping mechanism it works. But today, I'm just going to cry alone. All day, cause I feel like it. I actually did cry at a friend's kitchen table for 2 hours this morning, and this dear friend listened to me sob and complain, patiently, but, listening to someone wallow for 2 hours is plenty for anyone, so I went home and closed the door to my room while Annie, our helper, sweeps and washes my floors. Which, makes me think to myself, what the hell is my fcuking problem? Out in my living room, while I wallow in self pity, is a woman who has left behind her home country and everyone she loves including her 3 year old son, and she singing as she cleans my house. While this is a valid question to ask it is not productive to invalidate my own problems by proving they are lesser than some other person's problem. Jill, my fabulous therapist in Minnesota, used to remind me of this.
So today I cry, Annie sings, and that's ok. And tomorrow is a new day.
1 comments:
You're right, tomorrow is a new day. You have so many friends and family members that'll be there for you. Just today I was thinking how nice it was when you and the girls stayed with us this summer. It was great to have that time enjoying a cup of coffee with good conversation and watching the kids play.
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