I've been in my backyard eating dirt...

...or rather yellow snow, regardless... it's hard to admit; I've been in a really tough place.  BUT, with every tough place comes the opportunity to emerge in a really awesome new place.  While, I'm not quite at that awesome place yet, I'm much closer to awesome than eating dirt.  At least today anyway.

Most of my friends and family know that I've been struggling with my health over the last year and a half.  It all started with my uterine rupture, the following sepsis / septic shock infection, a rough time adjusting to a baby and toddler, losing our support (Mina, MoMo, Nana and aunties), supporting Chris' in his new job and travel schedule, selling a house, moving across country, living in a hotel, and moving into a new house, all while starting a new job myself.  In reality, I never had a chance to heal from the traumatic birth of Mahala and following infection, that everything else was just icing on the cake. At the end end of my rope, I was losing hair, weight, my vision, and ability to remember where I put my damn phone (it was usually in my hand).  Sitting in bed one night, Chris took a picture of my back, and showed it to me.  It looked something like the spine of a stegosaurus with my spine and ribs sticking out.  He said, I don't think you see what is really happening -- please go to the doctor.  I finally did, and after a few months, I was diagnosed with severe depression.

It was amazing how physical the symptoms were for me.  I always thought depressed people sit in their bedroom all day and never talk to anyone, and eat a lot of bonbons.  But, what I've learned is there can be very real physical symptoms to depression, with very real risks, and that you don't have to be holed up in your backyard literally eating dirt to have depression.

At first, I blamed myself for an inability to deal -- I felt like I was weak/lame/worthless and that I failed my family and myself.  Now, I've accepted my diagnosis and that it is not my fault or sign of a personal weakness.  And, I'm working on digging myself out of this hole I'm in.  I tried some medicine, it SUCKED, so I kicked it to the curb.  I'm not working any longer.  I'm slowing myself down.  Trying to control less or pretend like I think that I can.  I'm taking time to absorb my surroundings and my family and friends around me.  I'm admitting that for far too long I had too much on my plate.  And, that I cared too much if people liked me.  I wasn't being genuine.

And, this is where the really awesome part comes in, I'm starting over.  For so long, I defined myself by what I did for work, how fast I could achieve that next promotion, and the status I could gain at work.  Silly.  I'm worth so much more than that, but until recently, I would not have believed you.

So, if you've wondered where and what the hell I've been doing.  I'm finding Kristy.  Cheesy, yes, but the truth.  And, I need y'alls help.  I'm going to try to use this blog more to post ramblings/updates/nonsense/deep crap/whatever, so please read/leave comments to support me or give me a call to let me know you're there.

Phew.  That is enough for one night.  Cheers.